Practical Strategies
http://www.PracticalStrategyConsulting.com
Copyright © 2006 Practical Strategies Consulting
Nameless Faceless Corporation
by Christopher Duncan
Script by Christopher Duncan
Voices of Charlie Aldenderfer, Deirde Smathers
Music on hold by Jerry Wickham
Listen: NamelessFacelessCorporation.mp3
[music on hold] Thank you for calling the Nameless Faceless Corporation. If you are a new customer, please press 1 now. Existing customers, please press 2.
[touch tone 2] Thank you. By pressing 2, you've indicated that you are an existing customer. Consequently, since we already have your money and you're now no more than an ongoing expense to us, we'd be very grateful if you'd just go away. However, please feel free to hold until you come to your senses and hang up on your own. And thanks for calling!
[music on hold] Did you know that you can be ignored in a much more convenient manner on our web site? You have just as much a chance of corresponding with a real, live human being there as you do by phone, so hang up now and visit our new, state of the art website. When it comes to ignoring our customers, we spare no expense. And thanks for calling!
[music on hold] Many people find it much more convenient to send us an email rather than waiting on hold. We'd much rather be using the line you're currently tying up to take an order from a new customer who doesn't know any better. So, avoid all those annoying hours on hold and send us an email instead. It's much easier to ignore. And thanks for calling!
[music on hold] Thank you for continuing to hold. Your patience is greatly appreciated, as it allows us to have only one phone line for customer service, thus cutting down on unnecessary expenses and allowing our CEO to take that much needed vacation in the tropics. Your call will be ignored in the order in which it was received. And thanks for calling!
[music on hold] All agents are currently assisting other customers, namely those who are giving us money instead of taking up our time with problems and complaints. The average hold time is [pause, mechanical] 2 hours and 43 minutes [pause]. Your call will be ignored in the order in which it was received. And thanks for calling!
[music on hold] Your call is unimportant to us. If we really wanted to deal with you, we would have hired more people so that we could give you better service. However, since this isn't a toll free number and it's costing you money instead of us, please feel free to continue to hold until you come to your senses and go away on your own. And thanks for calling!
[music on hold] Thank you for continuing to hold. You have experienced a longer than normal hold time of [pause, mechanical] 3 hours, 27 minutes [pause] due to an unusually high call volume. Your call will now be handled by our next available agent. Please enter your 20 digit account number so that we may route you to the correct representative.
[20 digit touch tone] You entered [mechanical] 9 8 5 0 8 1 5 3 6 9 8 6 7 0 5 3 9 7 4 1. If this is correct, please press 1. If it is not correct, please press 2.
[touch tone 1] Thank you. Please enter your 5 digit zip code.
[5 digit touch tone] You entered [mechanical] 0 1 0 3 8. If this is correct, please press 1. If it is not correct, please press 2.
[touch tone 1] Thank you. For your protection, please enter your social security number so that we may verify your account.
[10 digit touch tone] You entered [mechanical] 9 6 8 5 9 2 1 7 3 8. If this is correct, please press 1. If it is not correct, please press 2.
[touch tone 1] Thank you. Please listen to the following selections entirely, as our options are frequently changed to avoid having to deal with you. To place an order, please press 1. For complaints about our service, or to reach the janitor directly, please press 2. For information about a previous service call, press 3 and enter your 37 digit customer service ticket number. To get a party's extension through our automated company directory, please press 4 and enter the first 17 letters of their mother's maiden name in Pig Latin. For technical support, please hang up and call the direct long distance number to our outsourced call center in Elbonia. For customer service, or to hear these options again, please press 0.
[touch tone 0] I'm sorry. 0 is not a valid option. Please listen to the following selections entirely, as our options are frequently changed to avoid having to deal with you. To place an order, please press 1. For complaints about our service, or to reach the janitor directly, please press 2. For information about a previous service call, press 3 and enter your 37 digit customer service ticket number. To get a party's extension through our automated company directory, please press 4 and enter the first 17 letters of their mother's maiden name in Pig Latin. For technical support, please hang up and call the direct long distance number to our outsourced call center in Elbonia. For customer service, or to hear these options again, please press 0.
[frustrated - touch tone 00000000] Thank you. One moment, please, while I transfer your call…
[rapid touch tone pattern] Thank you for calling customer service. Please enter your 20 digit account number so that we may route you to the correct representative.
[20 digit touch tone] You entered [mechanical] 9 8 5 0 8 1 5 3 6 9 8 6 7 0 5 3 9 7 4 1. If this is correct, please press 1. If it is not correct, please press 2.
[touch tone 1] Thank you. Someone will be with you shortly.
[phone ringing] Thank you for calling the Nameless Faceless Corporation. If you are a new customer, please press 1 now. Existing customers, please press 2…
[scream]
[heavy object hitting floor]
[objects being slammed against wall]
[fade out]
See Christopher Duncan’s Bio at:
http://www.maccompanion.com/info/aboutus.html#christopherduncan and
